The following piece was written by Mary Pols of MSN Movies. The title of her piece "The 3-D Backlash" caught my eye, as I'm am really not buying this 3-D movie experience being pushed by movie theaters and now personal television sales these days. I was wanting to read from a fellow 3-D naysayer, till I read further in her article. I've broken down the paragraphs as they read on the website, with my rebuttals to follow each section... watch for my tantrums later in the piece!!
Dear Hollywood,
I never write letters like this. I sometimes draft them in my head when I'm driving someone to camp or T-ball or the violin lesson they don't appreciate, but I never actually write them. Part of me thinks you don't really care what I think. Actually part of me knows that. But I just got back from taking my kids to the movies -- no correction, I just got back from paying $42.50 to take my kids to the movies -- and there are some things I have to say to you about your grand experiment with releasing every other movie, but particularly, specifically, family movies, in 3-D.
It's wrong. It's shameless. But worse than that, I think it's corrupt. In fact, I agree with that fine gentleman Roger Ebert, who, a few months ago, tweeted that 3-D is a "distracting, annoying, anti-realistic juvenile abomination to use as an excuse for higher prices." I apologize for all the italics, which I do believe are abused in our modern age, but I would like you to understand my outrage.
Okay, so far Ms. Pols, I'm with you %100! Can you even remember a recent movie that stands out as far as being original or memorable? I use netflix, so I've seen a lot of new movies, and none of them are worth the price to see in a theater, much less $20 to own. Now, 3-D is supposed to make crappy movies cool?! No, I am not that stupid, Hollywood.
I am not the kind of woman who usually gets worked up about such things. My husband does, but generally I'm much more easygoing. Think of me as Mrs. Middle America. We don't usually get all that bent out of shape, because we recognize that this is the good life we're living here in the U. S. of A., and we're not going to whine about the small stuff. But today, I'm hot and, yes, bothered.
I mentioned my husband. He's out of work. I hate to use the word unemployed because of all the bad connotations these days, you know, like you're unemployed and maybe that's just going to be your permanent state of affairs, as all the trend stories suggest. But my husband is just out of work, and while I'm sure it's not going to last long and we did plan ahead for a rainy day so we have money in the bank (enough to last six months, which is what our financial advisor suggested back when we felt we had enough finances to need advising about), obviously we have to think very carefully about our entertainment choices these days.
So far, so good, Ms. Pols. Sorry about your husband, but way to plan ahead! I wish I were so frugal with my $$.
You're aware of the heat spell we've had? I know it is always perfect weather in Los Angeles: believe me, we've all heard. But it's just been sweltering where we are, which is to say, everywhere you're not, and having already run up the water bill by dragging out the sprinkler three days straight, I broke down and took the kids to an air-conditioned matinee of "Despicable Me" in 3-D, which was our only option. $42.50. For one adult ($11) and three kids ($10.50 each) -- thanks for the 50-cents price break for them. Your generosity overwhelms me. Have I mentioned that it's sweltering? Now, the movie was fine -- better than I expected, really -- although I think maybe, just maybe that Carell fellow is a tad over-exposed right now. But do you know how many 3-D images I recall from it, just a day or so after seeing it?
Exactly one. There's an apple, and it really jumps off the screen. And then someone -- the evil banker, I think-- squeezes it, and the juice of the apple splatters out a bit, like it's going to hit your knee, and I did like that. I thought it was cool, special even. But was it worth the extra $4 for each of my kids? That's right, we pay 61.53 percent more for 3-D. Are you kidding me? For an apple spurting some juice? As for "Toy Story 3," which was a beautiful, remarkable movie, well, I could tell you all the ways in which that movie was exceptional, but its exploration of the third dimension was not one of them. Same for "Up."
I haven't seen Toy Story 3 or Despicable Me. I plan to tho, as my husband and I have weaknesses for cartoons, and they're usually entertaining and worth owning. I have seen Up, tho not in 3-D form. I really feel like I'm not missing out in life by not seeing it in 3-D, tho.
Don't even get me started on the glasses. I believe we had the commonplace model that costs about 65 cents to make, according to the New York Times. Anyway, the cheap glasses fall down Timmy's nose every time, which makes him fuss, which frankly, I don't need any more of. Max likes them because he thinks they make him look like Clark Kent. But that's Max; kind of a freak. They make my eldest, Mallory, sick to her stomach, which explains why I can't tell you when Gru turned the corner to being a good guy, because we were in the bathroom discussing whether or not she really needed to throw up or just wanted to. I personally hate the glasses. I think about the landfills. I know the theaters say they take them away and clean them and repackage them for the next customer, but since the people they employ to clean the bathrooms don't seem to know how to change a roll of toilet paper, I'm skeptical about the energy they'll expend to save the environment.
Also, it's easy to forget, when you're walking out of the theater in a daze, disoriented by the cost of your entertainment experience and the number of explosions you've had to experience at a proximity similar to what the poor soldiers in Iraq are going through on a daily basis, that your child is not wont to recycling and is, in fact, going to continue to clutch those glasses in his/her hands until you get to the mini van. At which point they will doubtless end up underfoot, crushed and useless to anyone soon enough. Except Max, who has about five pairs tucked into the corner of his big boy bed, along with his Superman cape.
I read a comment in response to this article that eluded to the fact that movies are presented in both 2-D and 3-D form. Perhaps Ms. Pols should bring her children to 2-D movies? And did she not bring the environment and the war into this article?! This is the direction you're heading? Oh, no! I get the analogies, but oh no! She starts to lose me here.
I'd like to state for the record that I am not opposed to all 3-D movies. Last year, when my husband was still in his job, we had a regular, twice a month movie date. During the course of 2009, we saw two movies in 3-D that really struck me as worth the extra money. The first was "Avatar," created in 3-D technology, rather than just converted to it after the fact. What kept me awake were the visuals, particularly the jellyfish and the boy Avatar's strong thighs.
Starting to veer horribly off the subject of your title to your piece, Ms. Pols.
Our other 3-D excursion was "Coraline," which convinced me that, yes, 3-D is a viable and important part of the movie arts, not purely a selling gimmick. Seeing "Coraline" in 3-D was magical, like seeing the Northern Lights on a winter's night.
Yes, I did a few drugs in college. Hello, didn't you, people? You're probably doing them right now! Off a hooker's bottom! In your Malibu dream houses! Which might explain how M. Night Shyamalan convinced you that "The Last Airbender" was ready for release instead of in the infant stages of becoming a movie.
Alright. Now I am officially offended. First of all, I am glad I am not following the crowd about M. Night Shyamalan. Lady in the Water wasn't good. The Happening I haven't seen. All his other films were good. Really good. The Last Airbender was good, too. It was refreshing to watch a movie that was based on something else not be sensationalized into something it's not. It stuck to the plot of the original show, it's characters were very close to the original (tho Aang was not as goofy as he is in the original), and the shots were beautiful. Anyone who is familiar with Avatar, the Last Airbender cartoon, would/should appreciate this movie. Obviously, like most critics, Ms. Pols tends to follow the crowd and not have an original thought of her own. Way to spew out what every other half wit critic has to say about this movie and it's director. Did I mention I'm not that stupid? Also, No! I did not do a few drugs in college. I am beginning to feel more like an individual more and more when I read the whole "didn't everyone else in high school or college" shtick. Those of you who think you're so nifty for experimenting with drugs really are followers. People like me, unfortunately are the minority, which makes us more original that you slackers! Which is kinda sad, cuz individuality is what you're trying to achieve when you do drugs. By not doing them, in this day, is more unique and in my mind, more noble than doing what "everyone else is doing". And Ms. Pols are you 15?! That is so lame!
But I digress. My outrage didn't really hit me until I went to the supermarket after "Despicable Me" and I realized I needed to creatively shave that extra $15 we'd spent for the 3-D apple out of our weekly food budget.
The kids don't know any better; they just want what is here and now and marketed to them. I agree with Ebert who called it a "form of extortion" directed at parents. I thought Pixar was above it, but there was "Up" and "Toy Story 3" and now I hear that the sequels to "Monsters, Inc." and "Cars" will be in 3-D too. Maybe by then my husband will be back in a job and I won't have so much to grouse about, but forgive me, I'm a little obsessed with things like the cost of milk and how quickly three children go through a dozen eggs. (And before you get on your high horse and bring up population control, I'd like to point out that the third child we had was conceived during the George Bush years, before we realized that Al Gore had a real point of view on the environment that we should have all been listening to.)
Who the hell brought up population control?! What does THAT have to do with 3-D movies? Oh yeah, now we see what Ms. Pols is really doing. Spewing more "critically acclaimed" media b.s. about garbage! Did she just inadvertently admit she shouldn't have had her 3rd kid cuz of Al Gore??! Did she not get the memo that global warming is like mermaids and unicorns: NOT REAL?! How does her 3rd born feel about this little revelation, I wonder. "Gee, Timmy, had we actually listened to Al, you wouldn't be here and mommy could take your other brother and sister to the movies after all." Oh, Ms. Pols, there's a level of arrogance and ignorance here that I can't even fathom here... and you are so off topic now.
So I'm writing to ask for mercy. I know things are tough for you people too. Box office receipts are down, and maybe only "Eclipse" and "Inception" will save the summer. This may mean you have to sell the lake house or something, I don't know. For us out here in the real, real America -- and by that I don't mean just the tea party types, I mean the people who have lost their houses or fear losing their houses or fear they'll never have a house to lose -- we'd prefer you cool your jets on 3-D. Plenty of us have three dimensional cats and dogs at home, so we really don't need "Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore" in 3-D. Mallory, by the way, is already agitating to see that.
You haven't presented a good case here at all, Ms. Pols. And what do you mean tea party types? You mean the types who don't want more taxes, the types who don't want more government infringement in our lives, the types who just want to live our lives as we deem proper without worrying about where our health insurance comes from, what our radio or t.v. broadcasts, what our kids are taught in school. We're the crazy ones, huh? But you would have us bow to your god, Al Gore, submit to increasingly oppressive taxes for the "good" of the less fortunate, abide by a government that plays the blame game and can't take responsibility for anything, but I'm the insensitive ignoramus. I'm tired of you liberal bullies. You can still bring up George Bush like he's still around, but we can't call Obama and Gore out for their incompetence, cuz we're not looking at it correctly. I'm done with you all! I'm gonna start pushing back. In my point of view we've staggered so far back from 2-3 years ago, and no one is to blame but those in charge, i.e., Democrat Liberals. Shame on you, Ms. Pols for taking a reasonable topic and twisting it to fit your typical left-wing template.
I know that to you, we're a marketplace and this is just business. But, like I said, to me and people like me, it's groceries and such. So come November, when "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1" comes out in 3-D, I'll just try some extortion of my own. "Mallory," I'll say. "We can see that in 3-D at the movie theater over Thanksgiving, as long as you're willing to eat turkey leftovers for three straight days." And she'll say, "Turkey tetrazzini is disgusting. What's the alternative?" And I'll say, "Or we could wait a few months for it to come out on DVD. Same movie, just flatter. And there will still be some small chance you can go to college." They say the trick with kids is giving them choices.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Middle America
She should actually sign it as Mrs. Bay area America, as this is how they all feel out there. Nothing about her article was original or insightful, like most state-run media type critics. Like them all, tho, they lure you in with a good title and enticing 2 or 3 paragraphs, then, BAM! vomit liberal propaganda all over like we should lick it up and be grateful. Maybe now, I will watch a 3-D movie to thumb by nose at Ms. Pols and those like her. Both my husband and I are fully employed and could probably afford the price to see a 3-D movie. Not to brag, Ms. Pols, you'd probably think I was being arrogant in that last statement. Well, maybe I was. It's fun when the tables are turned every now and then.
Mary Pols is a Bay Area-based journalist. She reviews movies for Time.com and was for many years a film critic for the San Jose Mercury News, Oakland Tribune and Contra Costa Times. She is also the author of a memoir, "Accidentally on Purpose," published in 2008 by Ecco/Harper Collins. When she's inspired, usually by something weird, she blogs about it at www.maryfpols.com.